Report

It was only a couple of weeks ago we last played these guys, and my coat still hasn’t dried out. The reason apparently was that the bloke normally in charge of weather was off sick, so it was left to the young trainee, who was so busy writing on his mate’s Facebook wall that he got Seneley & Garswood mixed up with Sodom & Gomorrah (for those studying GCSE Halfwits in Important Jobs – the initials are the same); he should have realised his mistake, cause he told his pal that Seneley was the only team in the Warrington Junior Football league mentioned in the bible; as it was, we left 5 minutes before there was a plague of locusts and frogs

Full squad available again today – when I was younger dancing with a dog wasn’t necessarily something to be proud of, but ahead of the Britain’s Got Talent final, Tom B had spent last weekend putting the finishing touches to his act of translating an Indian restaurant menu into Welsh, and strangely he turned up today wearing a blue tuxedo instead of the normal Woolston kit. Twinny Jack opened the scoring on 5 minutes with a low shot which their keeper would later prove on a number of occasions he was very capable of saving, the assist from Evo at the end of a patient move which had begun as Dan passed out wide to Callum. Never wishing to be a boring old moose and keep going on about weather, but while it was a much better day, our 2^nd goal was partly down to the conditions, as a goal-kick held up on the wind and Evo took advantage with the slotted left-foot finish into the bottom corner.

If you ever learned anything at all at school, the 5-times table should have been an easy one. Second goal was on 10 mins, and our 3^rd on 15 to keep up the pattern; Joe’s pass out wide; it looked like Evo was expecting the cross in the middle, but Cal drifted it over the goalie into the far side of the net, and he was either smiling afterwards out of sheer delight at getting another goal, or because it had actually been a cross – don’t tell them, Pike!

We had to wait until a minute before the break to get the fourth, and the pick of the goals so far; intelligent pass inside the defender from Evo, and Jack F getting his second with a calm touch to control and guided finish into the bottom corner. Last week, we had scored 15 seconds into the second half; this week, we must have wasted 9 seconds fooling around or something, but after 24 secs, it was Ryan getting in on the scoring act after brother Jack’s pass had been mis-controlled by a defender. We scored for the final time after 35 minutes, and it was the best of the lot, as Kieran E got his second with a great dipping effort from well outside the area.

For the first time this season we saw someone in goal apart from Jack B; we all know he’s a tough lad, so I can only assume he lost at least three fingers as he went to clear a corner-kick, and Kieran DS took over with the gloves, but he was beaten from close range not long afterwards; with 20 mins still to play, those of us of a Manchester City persuasion were wondering if there might be a comeback on the cards.

17 mins to play – 6-2! Those of us of a Manchester City persuasion were becoming absolutely certain that a comeback was on the cards. About 5 to go – good double save from Kieran, blocking the shot, then smothering the loose ball. Those of us of a Manchester City persuasion were becoming cautiously optimistic of picking up at least a point from the fixture

Full time. 3 points, and still in the mix for possible promotion. Ahead of our final match of the season next Sunday, which is at home, may I remind all spectators to respect the wishes of the club and management, and refrain from invading the playing area at full-time. As a precaution, the formidable rope fences which normally prevent such activities will be electrically charged; if you come into contact with the barrier, it will create a ‘tickling’ sensation as you straddle onto the pitch, which for a moment you may enjoy, but believe me, you will never be quite the same again.

Interview: TFO talking to Kieran ‘don’t call me Doctor’ Evo

£1m Q: Choosing a whole number between –1 and 1, what are your chances of winning the million quid?…Zero  {corr ans: zip all}

During ‘help an old fogie’ week, you offer your services to your elderly neighbour. She asks you to put her dinner in the oven and take her dog for a walk, but you get them the wrong way round. After just 30 seconds on a medium heat, you realise your own error and get Gordon the Poodle to the safety of his basket, but the Shepard’s pie had run off chasing rabbits as soon as you got to the park. Do you tell Mrs Windows the truth, or rely upon your ability to lie convincingly?…Lie convincingly

Using only one word, tell me what you feel about beetroot?…Horrible

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May I call you Doctor? – No (wise answer perhaps, as I had a long question prepared beginning with the expression “Hello Doctor” – will try again next week)

If ghosts made a noise like an electric toothbrush, would they be less scary?…Yes

Name a Team-mate who doesn’t know the difference between a savoury pie and a poodle?…Joe

NB: Fewer than 2 animals were harmed during the making of this interview

TFO